I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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