I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
