then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
