Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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