someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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