Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
