I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
