Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
