I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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