It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
