I'm so fucking centered right now
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
