HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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