I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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