textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize