Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize