btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
