Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
whose parrot is this?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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