I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
