Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
