my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
