It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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