My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
