i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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