i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
