youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
