y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
