if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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