Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
