Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
