If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
