It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
