you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
