I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
