i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
