my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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