There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
