Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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