tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
