I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
