the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
