We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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