Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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