Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
