I can text with my tongue
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
