Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
