two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
