so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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