I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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