she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
