dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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