the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
