I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize