But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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